Hot on the heels of our historical, groundbreaking, and earth-shattering victory, we at Django Unbuffed have compiled a brief overview of the principles, strategies, and idioms which have guided our success and molded us as people in our long, illustrious, five-week history. Drawing inspiration from financial institutions, world governments, and evolutionary biology, our strategies have been proven to work perfectly with a sample size of 1.
1. Life is a competition.
Life is all about competition. Whether it’s for hotter mates, freer-range eggs, lower MMR, or that one Curry’s/Best Buy salesperson who actually knows something about 4K HD LED LCD TCBY’s, every human being is constantly competing with the rest of humanity for advantage. Thus, it is paramount to instill a warrior spirit, a competitive drive, a ruthless determination, a way of the intercepting fist, into each and every one of our members. This passionate devotion is reinforced at every opportunity, in every facet of life. Tubby Tuesdays are reserved for eating contests (last week: raw oysters; this week: chocolate lava cake; next week: cardboard). Wily Wednesdays are devoted to no-limit Taboo. Tingly Thursdays play host to two-hour-long slapping contests of neural attrition. Firewood Fridays are all about log-carrying. Stinky Saturdays concentrate on high-stakes water-balloon warfare. How high are the stakes? The balloons are filled with eau de skunk extract. Sabbath Sundays revolve around competitive repose. Monday activities are a thoroughly private matter. Our hexannual corporate retreats involve jousting, PvP falconry, and competitive marathon viewings of America’s Next Top Model (it is, for your soul, what a marathon is for your lungs).
2. An army marches on its stomach.
This is especially true when crawling under barbed wire or in tall grass. But, popular opinion considers this a reference to food, and we are nothing if not popular. Django Unbuffed’s global headquarters in Lancastershiretown, in the northernmost Cayman island, offers fully catered 24-hour buffets to its employees. Our macarons are flown in daily from Paris. Our rotating three-star menu (today’s special: pan-seared ahi tuna with grilled fennel and a splash of balsamic sherry reduction) is prepared by Chef Yoshi Livingston, who apprenticed under a chef who apprenticed under a chef who apprenticed under the world-renowned Guy Fieri. On weekends, our gold menu offers gourmet tater tots drizzled with truffle oil and freshly cracked black pepper, titanium-cut oats soaked in triple-distilled Tuscan tap water, and strong Colombian arabica coffee served in sequined mugs labeled “Kopi luwak.”
3. Think Different.
It is important to note that, throughout history, every legen…dary leader has been 80% a-hole, 20% visionary, and 2%-40% body fat. Inspired by one such leader, Django Unbuffed is committed to improving on this formula, fervently striving to achieve a state of leadership superposition in which we are ideally 100% a-hole, 100% visionary, 120% of the time. If we have seen farther, it is only because we are flinging spittle at each other. For further reference, we refer to our popular employee training video, Glengarry Glen Ross.
4. Cute as a Bhutan.
Bhutan does not measure GDP, but rather, a Happiness Index, based upon the ancient Asian belief that laughter ( 
) is the best currency. Django’s social research group has determined that Bhutan is half-right, and so, we demand both maximum joy and optimal performance from every member. Mirth metrics are monitored carefully to ensure high, stable levels of happiness. 
All Djangoliers submit to Revelry
Quantification Procedures (RQPs) quarterly, i.e. 4 times a day, 
to ensure that their personal and professional happiness are within acceptable bounds!
Any employee which fails to meet the minimum delight threshold is given three hours to rectify his/her condition, or face stern disciplinary action.
It also helps that we are all extraordinarily photogenic.
5. There’s no free lunch.
Contrary to what Platitude #2 may imply, our food is not truly free, because we do not tolerate freeloading, though freebasing is acceptable within certain limits. We abide by the mantra “If you don’t win, you don’t deserve to live. You have plenty of time to lose when you’re dead.” Thus, our Livingston menu, and membership in general, is provided only to passionate, extraordinary individuals who not only win, but win so hard that everyone else is all like “Whaaaat?! Dat’s cray-cray! Like, srsly?!”
6. There is no I in TEAM.
But, there is ME and MEAT. Thus, we make sure that our team is comprised of non-skeletal egomaniacs, and constantly strive to stay meaty enough to triumph over other, less triumphant, less egomaniacal, less meaty teams. Vegetarianism is tolerated here, as stated in our diversity policy, but we make it clear that we will silently judge you for that kind of thing. Here at Django Unbuffed, bacon is a food group. Victory is an essential vitamin and an essential mineral. Crossfit is a religion.
7. If there’s a fork in the road, take it.
As any asset manager will tell you, diversification is a good thing. We firmly agree, but carefully ensure that our commodities portfolio, i.e. our employees, has a consistently high awesomeness quotient. We proudly invest in one of the most diverse baskets of results-driven asset instruments anywhere, including not only those who game on mobile, but even those who game on the Steam engines. Men and women, young and old, our portfolio’s ROI depends firmly upon its flexibility and versatility. We are currently researching the possibility of diversifying into non-human, possibly cephalopodic assets.
8. Luck of the Irish.
Recognizing the fact that luck matters as much as hard work, we at Django Unbuffed have worked hard to get lucky as much as possible. It’s a well-known scientific fact (Rogers & McHale, Journal of Probability, Jan 1969) that the Irish are genetically predisposed to extraordinary luck. Thus, we maintain a strategic reserve of Irish at Site Epsilon, which currently generates good fortune on the order of 14 millileprechauns (mlc) per day. Our Irish is only deployed in critical situations, when actual effort becomes clearly insufficient or too boring to bother with.
9. Safety in numbers.
Zebras have long known that there is safety in numbers, and even more safety in tailoring your camouflage for silent television. We at Django Unbuffed strongly believe in taking cues from nature, and as well as learning from history. This is why all Djangoliers are issued standard employee uniforms modeled after leopard print and World War I dazzle camouflage. After all, the more fluorescently modernist the garb, the more confused your friends and enemies will be. To increase the efficacy of our sensory assault, our primary battle formation is modeled after the ancient Roman phalanx. This creates a unified visual front that resembles Tim Burton’s rendition of Cerberus wearing Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat, bewildering our foes, allowing us to steal their expired candy after standing around for a bit.
10. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
As with everything else ever uttered by Sun Tzu, this is a fundamental, literal truth of the universe. Thus, Django Unbuffed HR has employed a frenemy optimization strategy, whereby all Djangoliers are strongly encouraged to insult each other at every opportunity, in order to maintain competitive levels of animosity and personal friction. It’s spelled “aluminum” regardless of what silliness allorin insists upon. TheUnwiseOne is a buttface. After all, with friends like these, who cares about enemies?
And there you have it, a comprehensive look at all that went into Django Unbuffed’s unprecedented success in the only competitive event that has ever truly mattered in MPQ. We wish you luck in incorporating such strategies into your own five-year/week plans, but not too much (see Platitude #8).
